Beauty from Ashes
by Carol Underhill
Originally written in April 2019.
I’m a storyteller.
I tell stories through writing fiction.
I have been writing stories
since I was in second grade.
This is my true
“Beauty for Ashes” story:
My parents built a new house.
It meant I had to change schools.
I was still in the same district,
but I had to start second grade in Morley.
That year my older sisters both
shuttled back to Stanwood
for fourth and sixth grades.
I was at Morley by myself.
I don’t remember much about the first day
Until I was getting ready to go home.
I couldn’t remember what bus to ride.
I stood in the hallway, crying.
I got on the right bus
But I couldn’t adjust to my new school.
After several more episodes of tears
During the first few weeks of school
I was nicknamed “Crybaby.”
I struggled so much
that I saw a counselor.
There were two boys
who were in the counseling group
with me.
The counselor played word games with us.
One day she told us to go home
and write a story.
We had a bunny rabbit
that we were raising in the house,
just a tiny thing.
It had died.
I wrote about the bunny.
My counselor liked my story.
She had me read it to the kindergarten class.
My aunt asked me to write
a copy of it for her.
I was hooked on writing.
I was 7 years old.
An author was born.
Eventually
I adjusted to school.
I was still sensitive, though.
All anyone had to do
was say curse words to me
and I would cry.
In sixth grade,
I spent time in the health room
Lying down.
But I wrote stories about a squirrel
and his woodland friends.
They were plagiarized
From a book I read
But they were fun to write.
I went to a Christian camp.
I met a counselor there
Who believed I could write.
She became my champion.
She sent my story
To a publisher.
The publisher sent back a nice reply
They said that I was talented
But not what they were looking for.
That has become
The story of my life.
I write a book.
I find a publisher or agent.
I submit sample chapters.
They ask to see the whole story
Then the response comes back:
“It’s not what we are looking for.”
I have received so many
Of those letters
That I have lost count.
I have kept a few.
One, in particular, is special to me.
In 1994, I wrote a story.
I had two toddlers.
I would stay up late after they were in bed
And write on my word processor.
I would get up before they woke up
And write my story.
I burned the candle at both ends.
When the story was done,
I sent it to a publisher
Who had recently published
Some contemporary Christian romances
Which is what my story was.
I sent some sample chapters.
They asked to see the whole book.
I sent it to them.
They sent me a letter.
A rejection letter.
No matter how many times
I receive those types of letters
They still hurt
But this editor made some personal comments
In the letter.
She told me the reasons why it was rejected
And gave helpful feedback.
She wrote:
“Please be encouraged that I thought
your manuscript had enough flair
To at least recommend it
to the review board.
80% don’t make it that far.”
Instead of getting discouraged,
I wrote another story.
This time a historical Christian novel.
I did the research.
I used the same word processor.
I wrote the first few chapters
And mailed them to a publisher
From the Writer’s Market book.
They asked to see the whole story.
I typed up the rest.
I burned up my word processor
And had to borrow another one to finish it.
I sent the book to the publisher.
It was rejected.
I set my writing aside.
Life got busy.
My children grew older and were active in school.
I worked part time at different jobs.
I was busy in the church.
We changed churches a few times.
I had another baby.
In 2002, I started to write.
And write
And write.
I researched everything I could get my hands on
And wrote another historical novel
And a young adult contemporary novel
Infusing my faith in God
Into the story lines.
By all accounts, I was living a normal life.
I worked full time in an office.
I was raising my kids, helping in their schools.
I was involved in children’s ministry at church.
But inside, I was falling apart.
It happened so slowly that I didn’t even realize
I was breaking down mentally.
Suddenly in May 2003
My life and actions spiraled out of control.
I told my husband, “I can’t find my center.”
He was confused
By what was taking place.
My kids were confused.
Even I was confused.
I was admitted to
A psychiatric hospital for evaluation,
I couldn’t remember my own name.
I received great care there.
Within a couple of days,
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
It all made sense.
The ups and downs of my emotions.
Long months of depression
Followed by bursts of manic moods.
Uncontrolled temper.
The inner chaos.
My life had fallen apart.
apart
I couldn’t find my center.
I lost my faith
But only for a moment.
From the ashes,
God started doing something new
In my life.
I was put on medication
Which my husband made sure I took
Even though it was expensive.
I saw a counselor
To find new ways to cope with life.
I saw a psychiatrist
Every two to three months
To keep my medications in check.
My family made sure
I got to my appointments.
I had a good support system.
I wrote a contemporary young adult novel
In a month.
In my mind,
I had a different story
About a different main character
For every letter of the alphabet.
They were only an idea
But I may have bragged a little
In an online author’s group.
I looked for a publisher
For the new book.
I sent it a few places.
I even paid to have it on a website
For publishers to look at.
It was rejected every time.
It went through so many rewrites
That I don’t remember
How the original started.
I finished book 1
Of the Courage series.
My friend was going on a trip
She wanted something to read on the plane
She took my story with her.
She loved it.
She wanted copies for family and friends.
I found a local printer
Who could make spiral bound copies.
They looked all right.
Nothing fancy.
My family and friends bought them.
The print was so small in the original
That one friend had to wear
Two pair of reading glasses
In order to read the words.
A cousin told me
That she liked it so much,
But she kept falling asleep while reading it
Because she was so tired.
She would wake up and read a little more
Then fall asleep again.
I don’t how many times
I heard people say:
“I couldn’t put it down.”
With so much encouragement,
I continued writing in the series
Books 2 and 3, then 4, then 5.
After many attempts,
I couldn’t get an agent
Or a publisher
To take notice.
In 2010, tragedy struck
My husband was electrocuted
at work
And was in a coma.
When it became clear
That he was not going to pull through
It was time to let him go.
It was hard to go on
Without him.
I clung to my kids
And got up each morning
For them.
I spent a lot of money
To mask the grief.
I missed my medication one night
And almost went back to the psychiatric hospital
But my support system
Pulled me through.
In 2011, I went to a friend’s cabin.
It was like a mini retreat
In the woods
Beside a creek.
I came home and wrote book 6.
Encouraged by family and friends
I decided to self-publish
the Courage series
In a paperback book binding.
I met with a designer
And a printer.
They produced a beautiful book.
That I could be proud of.
A book club read book 1.
I met them at a library.
I didn’t know what to say
But they were happy
Because I brought book 2
With me.
I was asked to speak
At a ladies’ meeting
At a church.
I was an author
But I was not a public speaker.
I read from the paper
And it was over in ten minutes.
I was embarrassed
But they were happy
Because I brought book 3
With me.
I spoke again
At a library
About my writing journey.
I did a much better job
Speaking in front of the group
More confident in who I was.
I had some book signings.
I wrote really dumb stuff
And signed my name
In the front of the books.
I sold 100 copies of book 1
Then less of each following book
Until I sold out of books
1, 3 and 4.
My readers are still asking me
When I am going to write
book 7.
The truth?
I don’t know when.
I wrote book 6 in 2011
And did not write anything new
Until December 2018.
Seven dry years.
The lost years.
Focusing on my kids.
Helping them reach independence.
Struggling with bipolar disorder
And all the problems that go with it.
God placed in my path
A Christian counselor.
Someone I could trust.
She continues to help me figure out
how to live each day
With the challenges
I have.
For seven years
After my husband passed away
I could not write a book.
But I also couldn’t concentrate
On reading, either.
In 2018, I read a book about joy
By a woman
who had overcome many obstacles.
After reading her book
It was like a dam burst inside of me.
Suddenly,
I read all the time.
All kinds of books
Mostly on my kindle
But I didn’t write anything new.
In October 2018,
I went back to my friend’s cabin
It was a mini retreat for me.
Mostly I stayed at the cabin
Watching Nicholas Sparks’ movies
And drinking coffee
On the porch
Overlooking the river.
When I came home
An idea came to my mind
For a new contemporary series.
I wrote the first story.
Then I wrote a sequel to that story.
I also rewrote an old story
Updated it
And sent it to a publisher’s contest.
I rewrote another old story
Updated it
And sent it to a different contest.
Neither panned out,
But I continued to write.
Over the years,
My writing style has changed.
I have read the guidelines
And studied the way published authors write.
I know what the publishers are looking for
In inspirational fiction.
I try and write to fit that model
But my creativity doesn’t want
To be confined.
I am a storyteller.
I like to tell the whole story
About my characters
And how they relate to each other
How they overcome obstacles
How they find faith in God
And in love.
Sure, there’s romance
You gotta have a little romance
But it’s clean romance
It doesn’t make me blush
To read it back to myself.
I had my Courage series
Edited by some very smart people
Who sacrificed their time
To help me.
I had a new cover designed
For book 1
Because the old one
Was too contemporary
For that time in history.
I’ve re-published newer versions
Of books 1, 2 and 3
On Amazon.
I’ve sold a few.
I still haven’t written book 7.
Someday
I hope to write that book
And more
In the Courage series.
In March 2019,
I started reading “Billionaire” romances
On Kindle.
It made me think of
That first story
That I wrote in 1994.
The main character in that story
Was a billionaire.
I decided to rewrite the book
Instead of editing the first version
I sat down at the computer
And started writing it from scratch.
It is an inspirational story
So I thought of a Bible verse
That would go well with the story:
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore if anyone
Be in Christ,
They are a new creation;
Old things are passed away;
Behold, all things are become new.”
That verse is very significant
To the story.
I decided to reread the original version
Of the story.
I had not read it for over 20 years.
I was surprised
To discover
That I had used the same verse
In the same context
In the original story.
I had also written:
“There were so many broken dreams,
so much sadness,
Both in her life and in his,
And yet she felt the hope she had in Christ
That ‘old things are passed away;
Behold, all things are become new.’
God could build beauty from ashes.
He had sent Jesus,
His own Son
To die on the cross
To be punished for the sin of the world.
Through Christ,
She had received God’s forgiveness
For her past sins,
And was clothed with righteousness.
God had a plan for her life,
But He willed her to be patient
As He healed her heart.
She knew that she could trust God
With her future.”
I wrote those words
Over 25 years ago
As part of a work of fiction
But I believe those words
Are true in my life today.
I don’t know what the future holds.
But God has been working
On healing my heart.
I believe God
Watched me crying as a little girl
Afraid of a new school
Not knowing what bus to ride home
And He said to Jesus,
“Someday her tears
Will reach people
For salvation.
I will send someone to show her
How to write.
She will one day use the talent
I’ve given her to glorify us.”
I have faced some difficult challenges
And I have had many failures
But God has been in all
And worked through it all
To make me into
Who I am today.
My life, that was such chaos
In 2003
Has settled into order
With the help of medication,
A psychiatrist’s care,
And a counselor with a caring heart.
My family and friends are supportive
Through the ups and downs;
The ups and downs of bipolar.
The pendulum swings high into mania
sometimes
And I write for 4 or 5 hours at a time
And do little else.
The pendulum swings low into depression
And I feel like I am in a pit
Of negative thoughts
And low self-esteem
And cannot write.
But I turn to what I know to be true
That God accepts me as I am.
That God forgives me.
That God loves me
And I am able to rise again.
Some days the pendulum doesn’t swing.
My life has balance.
I find my center
In Christ.
All of my stories:
The ones that are finished,
The ones that are still in outline form,
The ones I have self-published
In paperback
And spiral bound
The ones that have been rejected
By authors and agents
But have become well-loved
By readers:
My stories are my
“Beauty from Ashes.”
Isaiah 61:3 reads:
“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion
to give unto them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise
for the spirit of heaviness…”
That is my story
Of how God has used my writing
To turn the ashes of my life
Into beauty.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Carol Underhill 